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I’ve been feeling rather unmotivated to make creative work lately. Though to give myself grace and you context, I had both a video game I was working on and a play I was directing both go up this month, within a week and a half of each other. (One of those processes was particularly rough and trying.)

So.

I’m not feeling particularly creative. When I said that to my dad, he snorted and pointed out what I just told you. This is true but… I still want to be making creative work, especially solo work. I’ve had enough team work to last me several months at least.

When I think of picking up the pen (both metaphorical and literal) and sitting down to work, I feel my gut clench and my chest tighten. I am a strong believer in listening to and having careful control of your physical body - there’s the theatre studies in me jumping out - and what I am getting is fear.

It’s not fear that it won’t be good. I don’t particularly care, as I have a great deal of confidence in my own abilities as a creative and a working artist. But I still feel the physical fear response. Or perhaps I should call it trepidation? This month brought on an absolute bucket of anxieties I had long laid to rest. I’ve been tempted to call my therapist (we haven’t talked in months), however these are not new anxieties, and she and I have already worked very hard to build strategies to manage and mitigate those specific causes too.

So double no.

That’s not what I’m after here. I want to make more work because resting makes me anxious, especially because I know I don’t get to rest, not really. I’ve been considering visiting Savannah, Georgia as a vacation. I visited Atlanta last year and had a delightful time, but Savannah looms large in my memories from a brief visit close to a decade ago. It was gorgeous on every front. If I can swing it in between my upcoming commitments, I will try to squeeze in a week off/away. I think that will help. A change of scenery always seems to help me out.

Maybe I'll read a good book too. My friend really wants me to finish Left Hand of Darkness.